Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Vendor & Client Relationships
It's vital in any client/customer relationship that integrity, aside from competence, rules the day. I've experienced it many times during the past 11 years with Summit where a potential client focuses more on undervaluing our offering, going purely for lowest price, while being dead against losing any potential value and ultimately, stealing our intellectual property rights and copyrighted material. Understandably, these aren't the people we enter client relationships with. The toxic waste these people project serve to destroy trust and make the supposed relationship more of a 'transaction'.
So, it's a light hearted, but very valid video clip which should serve as a reminder that win-win is always best.
Enjoy!
Friday, 14 August 2009
No Consequences? Why Should I Care?
Why is it that nearly 7 MILLION people chose not to keep the appointments they made with their medical doctor during 2007 and 2008? The decision to not turn up was at great cost to you and me, the taxpayer - £600 million per year. That's enough to run two mid-size hospitals.
But the patients who chose not to keep their appointments won't think about or even care about the statistics. Why should they? When we make an appointment with our GP or hospital, it's about us - not anybody else isn't it?
Why might you not show up for an appointment?
There are many reasons which may include:
-I forgot about it
-I felt better so didn't need the appointment anymore
-I was stuck in traffic
-My pals invited me to the pub/the match (and I forgot to be ill because I was having fun)
My young child/elderly mother needed me more than I needed the appointment
But whatever the excuse or reason for not showing up, why could it be that you don't take a few minutes to call and cancel or postpone your appointment? Well, it might slip your mind, but really isn't it more a case of placing so little value on the appointment itself, that it's not worth calling? After all, it won't be inconvenient for anyone so why bother?
How can the problem be effectively tackled?
We human beings generally need to understand the consequences of us either doing, or not doing something if any emotional response is to be generated. It's rather like your doctor saying 'Please give up smoking for the good of your health' versus 'If you continue smoking cigarettes, you are likely to suffer lung cancer and you won't be around to walk your daughter down the aisle when she gets married.' Both statements have an impact, both have consequences, but which do you feel would be more likely to get the patient to stop, think and then take some intelligent action? Possibly the second.
CONSEQUENCES, CONSEQUENCES
Some practical, but potentially non-pc ways of helping people to keep appointments.
When the patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist agrees the date and time and asks a simple question. 'Will you please store this appointment in your mobile phone and/or calendar at home, just so you remember it?'
When the patient calls to ask for an appointment and the date and time are confirmed, the receptionist asks 'Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that you will be able to keep this appointment? And then awaits a positive response and asks the patient to store it as above. This is about a gentle reminder and double checking the value they place on the appointment.
When a patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist politely states 'Just to let you know, if you are unable to keep, or don't need to keep this appointment, we do require you to call us and let us know by (date/time) so that we can offer it to someone in need. Will you please do that for us?' This is about a gentle reminder and reciprocity.
When a patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist politely states 'Just to make you aware, if you fail to keep this appointment without providing prior notice by telephone by (date/time), the next time you request an appointment with the doctor, other patients will be given priority over you.' This is about developing responsibility and a potentially sever consequence for not keeping their commitment.
Remember that people need to understand the consequences, both positive and negative of their action/inaction or compliance or failure with a standard/instruction or guideline.
But the patients who chose not to keep their appointments won't think about or even care about the statistics. Why should they? When we make an appointment with our GP or hospital, it's about us - not anybody else isn't it?
Why might you not show up for an appointment?
There are many reasons which may include:
-I forgot about it
-I felt better so didn't need the appointment anymore
-I was stuck in traffic
-My pals invited me to the pub/the match (and I forgot to be ill because I was having fun)
My young child/elderly mother needed me more than I needed the appointment
But whatever the excuse or reason for not showing up, why could it be that you don't take a few minutes to call and cancel or postpone your appointment? Well, it might slip your mind, but really isn't it more a case of placing so little value on the appointment itself, that it's not worth calling? After all, it won't be inconvenient for anyone so why bother?
How can the problem be effectively tackled?
We human beings generally need to understand the consequences of us either doing, or not doing something if any emotional response is to be generated. It's rather like your doctor saying 'Please give up smoking for the good of your health' versus 'If you continue smoking cigarettes, you are likely to suffer lung cancer and you won't be around to walk your daughter down the aisle when she gets married.' Both statements have an impact, both have consequences, but which do you feel would be more likely to get the patient to stop, think and then take some intelligent action? Possibly the second.
CONSEQUENCES, CONSEQUENCES
Some practical, but potentially non-pc ways of helping people to keep appointments.
When the patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist agrees the date and time and asks a simple question. 'Will you please store this appointment in your mobile phone and/or calendar at home, just so you remember it?'
When the patient calls to ask for an appointment and the date and time are confirmed, the receptionist asks 'Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that you will be able to keep this appointment? And then awaits a positive response and asks the patient to store it as above. This is about a gentle reminder and double checking the value they place on the appointment.
When a patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist politely states 'Just to let you know, if you are unable to keep, or don't need to keep this appointment, we do require you to call us and let us know by (date/time) so that we can offer it to someone in need. Will you please do that for us?' This is about a gentle reminder and reciprocity.
When a patient calls to ask for an appointment, the receptionist politely states 'Just to make you aware, if you fail to keep this appointment without providing prior notice by telephone by (date/time), the next time you request an appointment with the doctor, other patients will be given priority over you.' This is about developing responsibility and a potentially sever consequence for not keeping their commitment.
Remember that people need to understand the consequences, both positive and negative of their action/inaction or compliance or failure with a standard/instruction or guideline.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Always Search for the Positive Intent - Don't Panic
How to take the first step to change unproductive habits
Have you ever wondered why some people demonstrate patterns of behaviour or habits that make absolutely no sense to us as observers? Behaviours and habits such as being stubborn, panicking, being terrified of flying or even smoking tobacco five, ten maybe even twenty times each day for year after year?
What is it that drives these habits that often times, don’t really support us in leading a healthy, fulfilling life but we continue to do them anyway? Before we get in to understanding why finding the ‘positive intent’ is so valuable to us as human beings, take a moment to consider this much-publicised example that took place on an internal American Airlines flight in February 2004.
With all 180 passengers on board, the air traffic controller cleared the pilot for take-off. But this flight was about to become interesting, if not terrifying for many, if not all of the passengers. Surprise soon turned to fear when over the communication system, the pilot said (quote from CNN News), ‘I’d like every Christian to put their hands in the air for just a moment’. Panic! Remember that the passengers were locked in the plane and couldn’t get off, and since the events of September 11 2001, unauthorised access to the flight deck was virtually impossible due to reinforced doors. Long story short, the plane landed safely, without incident after a 90-minute flight.
So, what caused panic in the passengers? Some passengers said they thought they were being hijacked by extremists and identified as the first to be killed by their hijackers because of their religious faith. Others had fears of a repeat of September 11th and tried to phone their loved ones. After all, an American Airlines internal flight was involved in the events of that fateful day. But, the pilot, who was suspended from duty pending an enquiry, says he didn’t mean to frighten anyone. A statement issued by his employer states that he ‘intended’ to compliment the Christian passengers for having a strong faith. That, in basic terms, is ‘positive intent’.
One key point that could be so worthwhile to consider, as it can really improve the quality of your life is ‘positive intent’. Without the psychobabble, please take on this belief for the next couple of hours and start to notice your thinking patterns becoming more flexible and maybe, even more open to new habitual possibilities. Here it is, it’s really simple and also really powerful if we apply it in our daily lives.
‘EVERY BEHAVIOUR WE DEMONSTRATE HAS A POSITIVE INTENT AND SUPPORTS US AT SOME DEEP EMOTIONAL LEVEL’
Well, does this belief make sense to you? If so, wonderful, you can now start to make even better choices in your thinking, relationships and ultimately, behaviour from this moment forward. If it doesn’t yet strike a chord with you,try another real-life example from just a few weeks ago about what is commonly labelled a ‘panic attack’.
Picture the scene, 7.00am on a freezing, dark, wet Saturday morning. I had just arrived at the radio station for a ‘live’ telephone interview with a well-known breakfast show host based in London. The studio technician who was charged with taking care of me, let’s call him Rob, was very polite, helpful and somehow we managed to have a bit of a giggle, even at this early hour!
The interview was scheduled for 7.50am precisely. I like to arrive early to give people plenty of time to arrange whatever they need to plan so we can relax before I do my piece. Anyway, Rob had to telephone the London studio technician to set up a digital phone connection that apparently enhances sound quality ten-fold. He was finding it quite a challenge to get through as the line was constantly engaged. At 7.25am he was still unable to get through. And he didn’t appear happy about it.
As I sat there, in the tiny, cold studio watching him become more and more frustrated I noticed that every twenty or so seconds he would glance at the clock on the studio wall. Being the nosey bloke that I am, I wondered how Rob was processing this event internally. I said little and let him focus on his task. As time continued to pass by, 7.50am precisely was getting pretty close. It’s now 7.40am and we are just ten minutes away from the interview time slot, but still had little success (or lots of failure) in getting through to his colleague in London to put the right phone line in place.
And then, it happened! Rob’s breathing became shallow, faster and his eyes moved around so rapidly it was like he had walked straight on to a right hook from Muhammed Ali. His face quickly changed from a pale white to beetroot red and he couldn’t stand still for even a second. Although we had only known each other for less than an hour, virtually every rapidly spoken sentence included at least one swear word. And with the room temperature still pretty cold, Rob, still swearing, angrily took off his jacket, then his jumper, threw them to the floor and started to sweat profusely. Yuk! Looking at the clock yet again and still without a connection with just minutes to go, this situation was about to get much worse.
In between repeatedly punching in the London number on the phone, staring at the clock, sweating and swearing (now that’s multi-skilling), Rob apologised to me for ‘****ing up’. He shouted, ‘I don’t know what’s ****ing wrong with this phone line’. At this point it seemed appropriate for me to join in and get a bit crazy. After all, there’s no point in being shy at a time like this is there? So, without warning I jumped up out of my seat, started to shout about how ‘punctuality is vital to me in order to operate properly’ (whatever that means) and repeatedly pointed to the clock in between swearing, using the same shocking words as he did and flitting around the room. Standing less than three feet away from Rob and staring at him with a very angry look on my usually friendly face I shouted to him, ‘You’ve got me bloody panicking now mate, you should be a therapist…I can’t believe it YOU’VE GIVEN ME YOUR BLOODY PANIC ATTACK….I ONLY CAME TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THIS WOMAN IN LONDON AND NOW THIS (pointing at myself in a panic state) IS HAPPENING TO ME…OOOHHHH….WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?….THANK YOU VERY BLOODY MUCH’
This brief but dramatic tirade stopped Rob dead in his tracks. In less than ten seconds, he was deeply confused, very surprised, maybe even shocked. But there was no panic. He forgot about the clock, the constantly engaged telephone line and everything else he had been focusing on. Well, I suppose he had to. If you had a guy you’d never met before going crazy in front of you (in a very confined space and blocking your exit from the room) what would you be thinking?
Now, at this very moment, the best choice available to Rob at the deepest unconscious level was to pay attention to me. Still standing, I held my head in my hands, took a deep breath, rolled my head as if to release tension and took a step backwards (still blocking the exit).
Now, with both of us in a state of calm, I smiled at Rob and said, ‘now then mister, please tell me about what just happened to you when you had that panic thingy a few minutes ago’. In a quiet voice he replied, ‘this always happens…all my life I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve even had two years of therapy but that didn’t help at all’ He continued, ‘It ruined my last birthday when I was trying to organise a coach trip to the races for my mates, at job interviews, I just crumble and now, It’s happening all over again and I couldn’t stop it.’
In a calming voice I asked Rob if he wanted to get rid of this automatic response before we left the studio and learn to become consciously aware of ‘how’ these panic thingy’s are created and be able to deal with the situation we were in far more effectively and confidently. His response was a definite ‘YES’.
I joked that it wasn’t really him I wanted to help, I just wanted to get on the radio because I’m an interesting guy, Rob laughed loudly. I said, ‘Oh, and by the way mate, you’ve spent two years talking about your panic attacks and how bad you feel, but did you ever invest time in finding how you’d fill the panic time when you get rid of it?' Big confusion on Rob’s face. I continued ‘after all, if you’re stopping panicking, you’ve got to start doing something else with the time haven’t you?’
‘Anyway Rob tell me, what’s the positive intent that your ‘panic thingamiwhotsit’ is trying to communicate to you? He responded, ‘There’s nothing positive about this happening to me, it just happens’.
‘Well, if it wasn’t ‘HELPING YOU’ in some way, your brain wouldn’t keep making you do it to yourself…would it now’? Confused even more, Rob’s eyes rolled about for a few moments and then, the penny dropped.
Rob replied, ‘I just want to get things right for people, I don’t want to let anybody down or mess up, there’s a lot of people relying on me’.
Brilliant, a breakthrough that took him just a couple of minutes. We did a couple of really quick emotional intelligence and NLP patterns to remove the negative, panic feelings and replace them with absolute confidence and certainty that he could do his best for me, take control of his thinking and, even if the phone line was still busy the next time we attempted to get through, he would respond far more positively and in complete control of himself.
The changes in Rob’s breathing, body language and thinking was instant. ‘Now, me being the helpful chap that I am Rob, will you do me a favour as I’ve done you a favour’? ‘Yeh, no problem’. ‘Thank you Rob, what I’d like you to do is remember that ‘thingywhotsit’ experience you had a few minutes ago and start to re-live it in your own mind and body right now as if it was happening again right now’.
His response? A very polite, light – hearted, ‘get stuffed I’m sticking with what I’ve got now’. My response? ‘Yeh but we’re now a full FIVE MINUTES LATE for MY interview and I had all this really good stuff to talk about, insult a few therapists, consultants, coaches and be generally quite an interesting guy.’
Both laughing loudly, an unexpected knock at the studio door and a colleague of Rob’s wanting to pass on a message from the London studio technician. ‘There’s a problem with their telephone systems, they’re sorry for the delay and they’ll call your studio as soon as they can…but don’t panic’. Rob thanked his colleague for the information then turned to me and said confidently, and rather cheekily, ‘Me…Panic’?…not a chance’.
The interview took place and it was a really enjoyable experience for me. Rob listened in and when I was being politely, and rightly challenged by the broadcaster on ‘this stuff you do is so unbelievable, I don’t believe it’.
My response? ‘Well, perhaps you’ve never had such a powerful learning experience that has worked for you or maybe your consultant, doctor, therapist or coach is so shockingly poor at their job that they just keep taking your money each week so don’t want you to overcome your own challenges too quickly’.
So, there is a real-life example for you, now think about the examples below and make some sense of what is happening and how you can support yourself or a colleagues to make some positive changes that, first of all, they want to do and secondly, the support you give them is without ego or judgement but with lots of love, and maybe even some acknowledgment of their efforts thrown in to the bargain too.
‘POSITIVE INTENT’
1. People generally don’t smoke cigarettes to inhale poisonous carcinogens, reduce their lung capability, actively shorten their life span and emotionally hurt their family. They generally live the habit to maybe relax, relieve stress, unwind with friends and much more. There lays the ‘positive intent’.
2. People aren’t generally scared of flying, as our culture would have you believe. They are generally terrified of crashing, being out of control, feeling unsafe and much more. There lays the ‘positive intent’.
3. Alcoholics don’t generally stay drunk because they want to feel physically sick, out of control and sad. But they often do this behaviour as to them; it changes their perception of their reality and provides an escape, at least for a few hours. And then, the more they repeat their drinking behaviour, the more they ‘escape’.
So, there you have it. Always search for the positive intent. I do hope this article has started to paint a picture that can open up your mind to developing some new, more empowering approaches to searching for the underlying root of some of the habits we have. Maybe you could find it rewarding to make a note of a habit you have that you really want to change and then take a few moments to relax and allow your mind to generate three or four positive alternatives that would support you better in living a happy, fulfilling career and life?
Have you ever wondered why some people demonstrate patterns of behaviour or habits that make absolutely no sense to us as observers? Behaviours and habits such as being stubborn, panicking, being terrified of flying or even smoking tobacco five, ten maybe even twenty times each day for year after year?
What is it that drives these habits that often times, don’t really support us in leading a healthy, fulfilling life but we continue to do them anyway? Before we get in to understanding why finding the ‘positive intent’ is so valuable to us as human beings, take a moment to consider this much-publicised example that took place on an internal American Airlines flight in February 2004.
With all 180 passengers on board, the air traffic controller cleared the pilot for take-off. But this flight was about to become interesting, if not terrifying for many, if not all of the passengers. Surprise soon turned to fear when over the communication system, the pilot said (quote from CNN News), ‘I’d like every Christian to put their hands in the air for just a moment’. Panic! Remember that the passengers were locked in the plane and couldn’t get off, and since the events of September 11 2001, unauthorised access to the flight deck was virtually impossible due to reinforced doors. Long story short, the plane landed safely, without incident after a 90-minute flight.
So, what caused panic in the passengers? Some passengers said they thought they were being hijacked by extremists and identified as the first to be killed by their hijackers because of their religious faith. Others had fears of a repeat of September 11th and tried to phone their loved ones. After all, an American Airlines internal flight was involved in the events of that fateful day. But, the pilot, who was suspended from duty pending an enquiry, says he didn’t mean to frighten anyone. A statement issued by his employer states that he ‘intended’ to compliment the Christian passengers for having a strong faith. That, in basic terms, is ‘positive intent’.
One key point that could be so worthwhile to consider, as it can really improve the quality of your life is ‘positive intent’. Without the psychobabble, please take on this belief for the next couple of hours and start to notice your thinking patterns becoming more flexible and maybe, even more open to new habitual possibilities. Here it is, it’s really simple and also really powerful if we apply it in our daily lives.
‘EVERY BEHAVIOUR WE DEMONSTRATE HAS A POSITIVE INTENT AND SUPPORTS US AT SOME DEEP EMOTIONAL LEVEL’
Well, does this belief make sense to you? If so, wonderful, you can now start to make even better choices in your thinking, relationships and ultimately, behaviour from this moment forward. If it doesn’t yet strike a chord with you,try another real-life example from just a few weeks ago about what is commonly labelled a ‘panic attack’.
Picture the scene, 7.00am on a freezing, dark, wet Saturday morning. I had just arrived at the radio station for a ‘live’ telephone interview with a well-known breakfast show host based in London. The studio technician who was charged with taking care of me, let’s call him Rob, was very polite, helpful and somehow we managed to have a bit of a giggle, even at this early hour!
The interview was scheduled for 7.50am precisely. I like to arrive early to give people plenty of time to arrange whatever they need to plan so we can relax before I do my piece. Anyway, Rob had to telephone the London studio technician to set up a digital phone connection that apparently enhances sound quality ten-fold. He was finding it quite a challenge to get through as the line was constantly engaged. At 7.25am he was still unable to get through. And he didn’t appear happy about it.
As I sat there, in the tiny, cold studio watching him become more and more frustrated I noticed that every twenty or so seconds he would glance at the clock on the studio wall. Being the nosey bloke that I am, I wondered how Rob was processing this event internally. I said little and let him focus on his task. As time continued to pass by, 7.50am precisely was getting pretty close. It’s now 7.40am and we are just ten minutes away from the interview time slot, but still had little success (or lots of failure) in getting through to his colleague in London to put the right phone line in place.
And then, it happened! Rob’s breathing became shallow, faster and his eyes moved around so rapidly it was like he had walked straight on to a right hook from Muhammed Ali. His face quickly changed from a pale white to beetroot red and he couldn’t stand still for even a second. Although we had only known each other for less than an hour, virtually every rapidly spoken sentence included at least one swear word. And with the room temperature still pretty cold, Rob, still swearing, angrily took off his jacket, then his jumper, threw them to the floor and started to sweat profusely. Yuk! Looking at the clock yet again and still without a connection with just minutes to go, this situation was about to get much worse.
In between repeatedly punching in the London number on the phone, staring at the clock, sweating and swearing (now that’s multi-skilling), Rob apologised to me for ‘****ing up’. He shouted, ‘I don’t know what’s ****ing wrong with this phone line’. At this point it seemed appropriate for me to join in and get a bit crazy. After all, there’s no point in being shy at a time like this is there? So, without warning I jumped up out of my seat, started to shout about how ‘punctuality is vital to me in order to operate properly’ (whatever that means) and repeatedly pointed to the clock in between swearing, using the same shocking words as he did and flitting around the room. Standing less than three feet away from Rob and staring at him with a very angry look on my usually friendly face I shouted to him, ‘You’ve got me bloody panicking now mate, you should be a therapist…I can’t believe it YOU’VE GIVEN ME YOUR BLOODY PANIC ATTACK….I ONLY CAME TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THIS WOMAN IN LONDON AND NOW THIS (pointing at myself in a panic state) IS HAPPENING TO ME…OOOHHHH….WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?….THANK YOU VERY BLOODY MUCH’
This brief but dramatic tirade stopped Rob dead in his tracks. In less than ten seconds, he was deeply confused, very surprised, maybe even shocked. But there was no panic. He forgot about the clock, the constantly engaged telephone line and everything else he had been focusing on. Well, I suppose he had to. If you had a guy you’d never met before going crazy in front of you (in a very confined space and blocking your exit from the room) what would you be thinking?
Now, at this very moment, the best choice available to Rob at the deepest unconscious level was to pay attention to me. Still standing, I held my head in my hands, took a deep breath, rolled my head as if to release tension and took a step backwards (still blocking the exit).
Now, with both of us in a state of calm, I smiled at Rob and said, ‘now then mister, please tell me about what just happened to you when you had that panic thingy a few minutes ago’. In a quiet voice he replied, ‘this always happens…all my life I’ve had panic attacks, I’ve even had two years of therapy but that didn’t help at all’ He continued, ‘It ruined my last birthday when I was trying to organise a coach trip to the races for my mates, at job interviews, I just crumble and now, It’s happening all over again and I couldn’t stop it.’
In a calming voice I asked Rob if he wanted to get rid of this automatic response before we left the studio and learn to become consciously aware of ‘how’ these panic thingy’s are created and be able to deal with the situation we were in far more effectively and confidently. His response was a definite ‘YES’.
I joked that it wasn’t really him I wanted to help, I just wanted to get on the radio because I’m an interesting guy, Rob laughed loudly. I said, ‘Oh, and by the way mate, you’ve spent two years talking about your panic attacks and how bad you feel, but did you ever invest time in finding how you’d fill the panic time when you get rid of it?' Big confusion on Rob’s face. I continued ‘after all, if you’re stopping panicking, you’ve got to start doing something else with the time haven’t you?’
‘Anyway Rob tell me, what’s the positive intent that your ‘panic thingamiwhotsit’ is trying to communicate to you? He responded, ‘There’s nothing positive about this happening to me, it just happens’.
‘Well, if it wasn’t ‘HELPING YOU’ in some way, your brain wouldn’t keep making you do it to yourself…would it now’? Confused even more, Rob’s eyes rolled about for a few moments and then, the penny dropped.
Rob replied, ‘I just want to get things right for people, I don’t want to let anybody down or mess up, there’s a lot of people relying on me’.
Brilliant, a breakthrough that took him just a couple of minutes. We did a couple of really quick emotional intelligence and NLP patterns to remove the negative, panic feelings and replace them with absolute confidence and certainty that he could do his best for me, take control of his thinking and, even if the phone line was still busy the next time we attempted to get through, he would respond far more positively and in complete control of himself.
The changes in Rob’s breathing, body language and thinking was instant. ‘Now, me being the helpful chap that I am Rob, will you do me a favour as I’ve done you a favour’? ‘Yeh, no problem’. ‘Thank you Rob, what I’d like you to do is remember that ‘thingywhotsit’ experience you had a few minutes ago and start to re-live it in your own mind and body right now as if it was happening again right now’.
His response? A very polite, light – hearted, ‘get stuffed I’m sticking with what I’ve got now’. My response? ‘Yeh but we’re now a full FIVE MINUTES LATE for MY interview and I had all this really good stuff to talk about, insult a few therapists, consultants, coaches and be generally quite an interesting guy.’
Both laughing loudly, an unexpected knock at the studio door and a colleague of Rob’s wanting to pass on a message from the London studio technician. ‘There’s a problem with their telephone systems, they’re sorry for the delay and they’ll call your studio as soon as they can…but don’t panic’. Rob thanked his colleague for the information then turned to me and said confidently, and rather cheekily, ‘Me…Panic’?…not a chance’.
The interview took place and it was a really enjoyable experience for me. Rob listened in and when I was being politely, and rightly challenged by the broadcaster on ‘this stuff you do is so unbelievable, I don’t believe it’.
My response? ‘Well, perhaps you’ve never had such a powerful learning experience that has worked for you or maybe your consultant, doctor, therapist or coach is so shockingly poor at their job that they just keep taking your money each week so don’t want you to overcome your own challenges too quickly’.
So, there is a real-life example for you, now think about the examples below and make some sense of what is happening and how you can support yourself or a colleagues to make some positive changes that, first of all, they want to do and secondly, the support you give them is without ego or judgement but with lots of love, and maybe even some acknowledgment of their efforts thrown in to the bargain too.
‘POSITIVE INTENT’
1. People generally don’t smoke cigarettes to inhale poisonous carcinogens, reduce their lung capability, actively shorten their life span and emotionally hurt their family. They generally live the habit to maybe relax, relieve stress, unwind with friends and much more. There lays the ‘positive intent’.
2. People aren’t generally scared of flying, as our culture would have you believe. They are generally terrified of crashing, being out of control, feeling unsafe and much more. There lays the ‘positive intent’.
3. Alcoholics don’t generally stay drunk because they want to feel physically sick, out of control and sad. But they often do this behaviour as to them; it changes their perception of their reality and provides an escape, at least for a few hours. And then, the more they repeat their drinking behaviour, the more they ‘escape’.
So, there you have it. Always search for the positive intent. I do hope this article has started to paint a picture that can open up your mind to developing some new, more empowering approaches to searching for the underlying root of some of the habits we have. Maybe you could find it rewarding to make a note of a habit you have that you really want to change and then take a few moments to relax and allow your mind to generate three or four positive alternatives that would support you better in living a happy, fulfilling career and life?
Something to Think About
I've been asked by a number of people to post some of the principles and nuggets that I share with audiences. Apparently, the simple principles are thought-provoking, so here are a few to be going along with.
When we label another human being, we don't define them. We define ourselves. (Blame & Ownership)
It's not the snakes bite that kills you, it's the venom. (Relationships)
You learn to swim by getting wet, not by just talking about swimming. (Apply your learning)
A bad relationship cannot exist without your permission and your input. (Responsibility/Stop moaning/sort things out)
If you have a problem, one that appears so difficult it can't be overcome, ask yourself this question 'What am I doing or believing about this problem which allows it to be maintained?' (Ownership for problem solving/Stop blaming others)
Every time you point a finger at someone, three fingers point right back to you. (Stop blaming/Take responsibility for your problems)
You teach people HOW to treat you. (Stop being a victim/Find your voice/Stop being submissive based on your personal history)
Getting Past the Negative Talk of Problems
How demoralizing can it be when you are in a meeting with colleagues, full of brilliant ideas with your 'blue sky' and 'out of the box' thinking and someone puts a sharp stop to your creative genius? You know who I mean, you've met them at some point. I'll write separately about optimists and pessimists, but for now, here are a few approaches you can apply to help a perceived negative colleague/thinker to move beyond being so apparently negative.
So, here's how it goes for some. 'That won't work because...', 'That's a good idea, but the problem with it is....(reasons).
Some people seem to be so focused on anticipating and spotting potential and real problems, that they don't take the opportunity to consider any solutions before they speak. This can be quite frustrating when done one to one or especially as part of a meeting packed with 'solutions people'. So how can you tackle this situation effectively AND keep rapport, focus while appreciating the contribution the supposed negative person is making to the dialogue - and they really are aiming to contribute, just not in the way you'd like them to.
PRE-FRAME
Please remember to set a clear context for your dialogue, whether one to one or as part of a meeting with many participants. Context creates meaning for human beings and the bonus is, when we have some parameters to work within, we know what is and isn't acceptable. Send a properly titled email or agenda for your meeting at least 48 hours in advance of meeting...and try this approach, designed to your own needs:
'The purpose of our discussion/meeting is to develop a structured way forward to ensure the smooth implementation of the new computer system to be launched on 1st October 2009. It is important that concerns re potential pitfalls are raised, and also, that each of us takes responsibility for developing practical solutions in/at this forum.'
The main message here is, if you anticipate a problem, share it BUT share YOUR SOLUTION too. Other ways to overcome negatives on why something can't happen or won't work are:
Objection -'This won't work because of.....'
Response - 'Good, now we know what won't work, please share with us 3 of your ideas on HOW IT COULD WORK'
Objection - 'It's impossible to do this by the timescale stated'
Response - 'What's impossible? To deliver any of the project successfully, all of it successfully or something else?'
Objection - 'Each time I've been involved in a project like this, they've failed. This will be no different.'
Response - 'It's good that you've had such experience in similar projects. Help me understand, what steps did YOU repeat in each project that contributed to the failure to deliver the outcome/s required?'
When we invite someone to share 3 ideas on how something COULD work, this can feel alien to them because it's the exact opposite to how they were thinking just moments ago. I always ask for a minimum of 3, firstly to interrupt the thinking pattern, secondly, because they may say 'I can only come up with two', which is brilliant anyway as it's 2 more than they had a moment ago, and thirdly, they may just want someone to shut up and listen to them......WHILE THEY THINK FOR THEMSELVES.
Put our own mark on questions such as these, use them ethically and see for yourself how thinking can change in a few minutes.
So, here's how it goes for some. 'That won't work because...', 'That's a good idea, but the problem with it is....(reasons).
Some people seem to be so focused on anticipating and spotting potential and real problems, that they don't take the opportunity to consider any solutions before they speak. This can be quite frustrating when done one to one or especially as part of a meeting packed with 'solutions people'. So how can you tackle this situation effectively AND keep rapport, focus while appreciating the contribution the supposed negative person is making to the dialogue - and they really are aiming to contribute, just not in the way you'd like them to.
PRE-FRAME
Please remember to set a clear context for your dialogue, whether one to one or as part of a meeting with many participants. Context creates meaning for human beings and the bonus is, when we have some parameters to work within, we know what is and isn't acceptable. Send a properly titled email or agenda for your meeting at least 48 hours in advance of meeting...and try this approach, designed to your own needs:
'The purpose of our discussion/meeting is to develop a structured way forward to ensure the smooth implementation of the new computer system to be launched on 1st October 2009. It is important that concerns re potential pitfalls are raised, and also, that each of us takes responsibility for developing practical solutions in/at this forum.'
The main message here is, if you anticipate a problem, share it BUT share YOUR SOLUTION too. Other ways to overcome negatives on why something can't happen or won't work are:
Objection -'This won't work because of.....'
Response - 'Good, now we know what won't work, please share with us 3 of your ideas on HOW IT COULD WORK'
Objection - 'It's impossible to do this by the timescale stated'
Response - 'What's impossible? To deliver any of the project successfully, all of it successfully or something else?'
Objection - 'Each time I've been involved in a project like this, they've failed. This will be no different.'
Response - 'It's good that you've had such experience in similar projects. Help me understand, what steps did YOU repeat in each project that contributed to the failure to deliver the outcome/s required?'
When we invite someone to share 3 ideas on how something COULD work, this can feel alien to them because it's the exact opposite to how they were thinking just moments ago. I always ask for a minimum of 3, firstly to interrupt the thinking pattern, secondly, because they may say 'I can only come up with two', which is brilliant anyway as it's 2 more than they had a moment ago, and thirdly, they may just want someone to shut up and listen to them......WHILE THEY THINK FOR THEMSELVES.
Put our own mark on questions such as these, use them ethically and see for yourself how thinking can change in a few minutes.
Softening the Influencing Journey
It's all too easy when attempting to influence another human being or a situation to just jump straight in and race after our own most important outcome. Remember that our education system, both at school and higher education, even MBA programmes, rarely if ever demonstrate the need for and value of influencing. Sure, they may cover 'why to' influence and review some case studies but the 'how to' seems to have been lost somewhere along the line.
A few key points to bear in mind when preparing for, or while involved in a situation you wish to influence are these: ALWAYS be honest - it develops trust, reflects authenticity...and is far easier to remember than a pack of lies. Take time to understand and appreciate what might be most important to the other party rather than just considering your own needs and wants. And finally, close your mouth and open your ears....and keep them open BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT HEAR AND LEARN.
Not all influencing situations are to help already good things get even better. Some are the exact opposite - a tough talk or crucial conversation as I call them. And these conversations need to happen more often in organisations. All too often inadequate performance is tolerated, partly because it's not that bad it's impacting the rest of the team that much and also because bosses either daren't or don't know how to facilitate a conversation that will not only address the issue/s effectively, but also restore trust and faith in the relationship. That's for another time, but for now, let me share some starting points (or softeners as I like to call them) which you can use to introduce an idea/point of view/facts/data and to help the other party want to listen and be involved in the dialogue. Remember, you're speaking with them NOT AT THEM!
I'll let you generate your own sentences on where use these phrases. They must make sense though and have the intention behind them to help, you can't just say the words and hope for the best. The other party is likely to see straight through you and not engage with your dialogue. All of these approaches are collaborative, not directive.
Please could you help me understand.....?
May I just check a point with you to ensure that I've really understood your point/what you've said/recommended?
I just want to check my understanding...Please do feel free to correct me if I've misunderstood any point. Would you do that for me?
May I just check with you that my understanding is accurate or inaccurate?
I'm sure that you understand the importance of (a) being achieved/undertaken. I'd really appreciate getting your thoughts on how it could work and what needs to be in place to ensure a successful delivery.
I'm sure that you recall YOU AND I (we) agreed that (b) would help us to deliver (c) and that any challenges or obstacles were to be shared in person immediately. To be used when commitments haven't been kept and responsibility for not sharing information needs to be addressed.
I'm interested to know....
I'm curious about what/how...
Please will you share with me your thoughts/ideas concerns on...?
What are your thoughts on how (a) should commence/be delivered/potential obstacles we should anticipate?
May I just check with you, is there information that you possess that I don't know which could/will impact the direction of my focus/attention/the project?
Shall we both commit to resolving the issue/making a considered decision on (a) within the next 60 minutes? This doesn't allow decision-making to drag along for what can seem like forever. It focuses attention and has a time based deadline.
Prior to agreeing to take on this project/achieve the deadline you mentioned, I want to really ensure that I understand the resources you are to make available. It's dangerous agreeing to virtually anything simply because an authority figure says you must. Dialogue and understanding is key.
Use these phrases as part of a worthwhile dialogue and you are likely to get fare more value from conversations, and accelerate the pace at which intelligent action is taken and decisions made.
A few key points to bear in mind when preparing for, or while involved in a situation you wish to influence are these: ALWAYS be honest - it develops trust, reflects authenticity...and is far easier to remember than a pack of lies. Take time to understand and appreciate what might be most important to the other party rather than just considering your own needs and wants. And finally, close your mouth and open your ears....and keep them open BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT HEAR AND LEARN.
Not all influencing situations are to help already good things get even better. Some are the exact opposite - a tough talk or crucial conversation as I call them. And these conversations need to happen more often in organisations. All too often inadequate performance is tolerated, partly because it's not that bad it's impacting the rest of the team that much and also because bosses either daren't or don't know how to facilitate a conversation that will not only address the issue/s effectively, but also restore trust and faith in the relationship. That's for another time, but for now, let me share some starting points (or softeners as I like to call them) which you can use to introduce an idea/point of view/facts/data and to help the other party want to listen and be involved in the dialogue. Remember, you're speaking with them NOT AT THEM!
I'll let you generate your own sentences on where use these phrases. They must make sense though and have the intention behind them to help, you can't just say the words and hope for the best. The other party is likely to see straight through you and not engage with your dialogue. All of these approaches are collaborative, not directive.
Please could you help me understand.....?
May I just check a point with you to ensure that I've really understood your point/what you've said/recommended?
I just want to check my understanding...Please do feel free to correct me if I've misunderstood any point. Would you do that for me?
May I just check with you that my understanding is accurate or inaccurate?
I'm sure that you understand the importance of (a) being achieved/undertaken. I'd really appreciate getting your thoughts on how it could work and what needs to be in place to ensure a successful delivery.
I'm sure that you recall YOU AND I (we) agreed that (b) would help us to deliver (c) and that any challenges or obstacles were to be shared in person immediately. To be used when commitments haven't been kept and responsibility for not sharing information needs to be addressed.
I'm interested to know....
I'm curious about what/how...
Please will you share with me your thoughts/ideas concerns on...?
What are your thoughts on how (a) should commence/be delivered/potential obstacles we should anticipate?
May I just check with you, is there information that you possess that I don't know which could/will impact the direction of my focus/attention/the project?
Shall we both commit to resolving the issue/making a considered decision on (a) within the next 60 minutes? This doesn't allow decision-making to drag along for what can seem like forever. It focuses attention and has a time based deadline.
Prior to agreeing to take on this project/achieve the deadline you mentioned, I want to really ensure that I understand the resources you are to make available. It's dangerous agreeing to virtually anything simply because an authority figure says you must. Dialogue and understanding is key.
Use these phrases as part of a worthwhile dialogue and you are likely to get fare more value from conversations, and accelerate the pace at which intelligent action is taken and decisions made.
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