For The Millionth Time - Stop Exaggerating!

Nothing ever words out for me.  

I'm sure you've heard it.  Perhaps even thought it occasionally.  But this belief is just so inaccurate.  Surely SOMETHING must have worked out for us at some point in our lives?  If it hadn't, it's very unlikely any of us would be here.

We humans have a habit of distorting reality and creating our own meaning about what a certain situation or event means to us personally.  Let me share an example with you from a coaching session with a senior manager at a multi-million pound company.

John was responsible for managing nearly 100 employees and successfully implementing a number of important projects, often three or four projects simultaneously.  During the first ten minutes of our first coaching session, he shared his issues, concerns and troubles with me.  How the performance of some members of his team was becoming a 'BIG' problem and he (the victim) was 'ALWAYS' being let down by some of his more senior, project team members when they didn't meet 'agreed' deadlines.

In his own words he 'Got it in the neck' from his boss who, on more than one occasion apparently, made John shout at his team in an effort to 'Get their heads out of their arses' and focused on their work.  He continued, 'I've warned them that if they keep stabbing me in the back, I'll have to get rid of them.'

Have you noticed anything about the vocabulary John is using here? Yes, they're all imaginary incidents that had never happened in (external) reality - but they were John's reality in the confines of his own mind. For John, it was all absolutely true and accurate.

As I began to politely question and challenge some of John's current beliefs about the terrible situation he found himself in, he stated that without exception, he was always 'let down' by his team.  That 'If it's happened once, it's happened a hundred times' (Note: Has John been counting?).

Unwilling to accept the real source of the teams poor performance, missed deadlines and subsequent reprimands from his own boss, could be more down to his leadership, John continued to hurriedly point his finger at others rather than accept any kind of personal responsibility.  He refused to move from his view of everyone else being to blame - (Note: 'Could John be digging his heels in?').  His tone was becoming quite aggressive towards me personally as well as the situation he was vehemently complaining about.  And this is a challenge that is often encountered when coaching a senior manager who can't see a solution anywhere they look.  It's not usually intentional aggressiveness, just an auto-pilot response with a purpose of preserving current beliefs - even though there's no evidence to support them.

Now, I'm all for helping people to remove barriers, resolve issues and produce better results for themselves and their teams, and I'm really rather patient too - but I can get really fed up, really quickly when someone lets their ego take over.  It adds no value and can do immense harm to relationships, trust and teams if not kept in check.


After a long, deep breath, slapping my hands together loudly as if delivering a single applause, I politely and assertively said 'OK then John, take off your shirt please...AND DO IT NOW'.  John, being quite a bit taller, and a lot wider than me with shaven head and grainy North-East accent wasn't the ideal candidate for this kind of provocative approach.  The look of absolute shock on his face was almost as funny as when Del Boy fell through the open bar in Only Fools And Horses. I expect you remember it well.

John's focus quickly changed from playing a very willing victim in to a state of absolute confusion and disbelief as I continued; 'Come on John, don't be shy, just take you shirt off.  I continued, 'I won't tell if you won't'.  After what seemed like minutes but was perhaps only a few seconds, John's brain was still trying to make sense of my somewhat unusual, and unexpected request.  He asked me in a rather uncertain voice 'Why do I need to take my shirt off?'  I replied calmly...and slowly, 'Because I want to see all of those scars on your back....from all of those knives - surely you will have lots of scars.  Won't you?'

Bursting in to a fit of nervous and relieved laughter, John stood up, leaned over the desk that separated us, and firmly shook my hand. Eager to avoid the possibility of a keen left hook, my leaning to my left was strategic positioning more than anything else.

A few minutes later, John had eased himself out of his previously limiting thinking and moved into a more proactive, responsible frame of mind.  The use of metaphor and polite challenging of John's language patterns has assisted him to learn just how unproductive they were to him improving matters with his team - and with his boss.  There were no scares, just images in his mind of what a certain situation has meant to him.  He hadn't got anything in the neck and neither was he always let down by his team.  It just felt like it sometimes.

What followed was a very productive, collaborative coaching dialogue. John began to make real sense of the reality of the situation and took full responsibility for his part in the problem.  And, from this new, more empowering position, it was easy for him to start being part of the solution.

This is both a simple and true example of how our experience of a situation or a person can be easily distorted by what goes on in our head.  Think about it - how often do you hear people say 'This ALWAYS happens to me' or 'This will NEVER work'?  Also, you could hear comments such as being 'Stabbed in the back' or 'Kicked in the teeth'.

As you begin to spot these patterns of communication at work, whether it is with a frustrated customer or in a sensitive meeting, become more aware of the individual perspectives and understand how they view the experience. Remember that if you do challenge the comment, do it politely and with the other person's best interests at heart.  Just as with John he was experiencing the feelings in his own mind, even though they had never happened in what we like to call 'reality'.

By increasing your awareness of these types of comments you can not only quickly diffuse tense situations, but also, if you are a manager, move your team performance towards better productivity, enhanced quality and eradicate careless errors.  And you can achieve this with just a little awareness and practice.

I recommend that you steer away from inviting people to remove items of clothing, or if you do, stay well out of striking distance!

http://www.SummitTraining.co.uk/
http://www.ScottWatson.co.uk/
http://www.EmotionalIntelligenceTraining.co.uk/

Learn to See Situations Differently - A Lesson from Bernie

An integral part of our role as facilitators is to help delegates see a situation, however emotive, challenging or unattractive, from different angles. This skills is commonly termed 'reframing'.

We often share true stories with delegates on how creating (and maintaining) a strong emotional connection to a situation, or at least, a strong emotional connection to how we perceive it, can cause major problems if we allow it to. Take this recent example:

A Qantas A380 super jumbo flight makes emergency landing due to a component shearing off one of its engines. Not a significant problem perhaps. And if you're a passenger and the calm pilot has advised you that all is in order and that you remain safe, no problem at all perhaps? It's more likely to be a story for your family and pals to enjoy back home.

But, what was identified later by 'experts' was that the component became dislodged from the engine because of what is termed 'faulty manufacturing'. And remember, this is a Rolls Royce engine. The cream of the engineering crop! Experts have advised that the component falling from the engine mounting, whilst not good for PR, didn't actually cause a problem with flight safety. BUT, they did comment that the component smashed into a wing. What's the problem? The wings of a A380 store the kerosine which fuels the aircraft. They are packed with flammable liquid - liquid you really shouldn't consider lighting at 30,000 feet. If the fuel had lit, a fireball would have fallen from the sky. Rather like the ill-fated Space Shuttle incident from the 1990's. An incident which, if some people had done their jobs effectively, would not have happened.

So. You're a passenger on the Qantas A380 above. You disembark and what happens?

- Are you grateful that the incident was 'minor' and that you landed safely? After all, no harm done eh?

- Or, are you filled with panic, anger and resentment that 'I could have been killed because of these lazy, stupid engineers'? (Time to submit that claim for trauma...or insist on the Business Class upgrade).

There's always a different way to look at a situation, if we're willing to do so. Now on to Bernie Ecclestone and a rather creative piece of brand management and product marketing.

SKY News reported that Mr Ecclestone was the victim of a 'mugging' and that his rather exclusive HUBLOT watch was taken by the perpetrators of the crime. And this is when Mr Ecclestone decided that there was a marketing opportunity to be had. He allegedly contacted the watch manufacturer and, as SKY News quote an advertisement was launched showing Mr Ecclestone battered and bruised, accompanied by a tagline of 'See what people will do for a Hublot'.

Fantastic reframing and a lesson in self-promotion and marketing!

It's Only Words - So Be Very Careful

Have you ever considered the impact that our language has on ourselves and also on other people? OK, you have probably had one or two occasions when you have said something in the heat of the moment that you've later regretted. Ouch! But what about everyday language, phrases that don't sound like they are harmful, but really can be.

Think about these little nuggets:

'I've spoken to him til I'm blue in the face'...No you haven't. A blue face usually means you're either choking or your body is freezing. Nothing more. Have you ever seen someone's face go blue just because they're a little peeved at someone?

'He's too long in the tooth to learn anything new'. What have long teeth got to do with someone's ability and/or willingness to learn?

'You can't teach an old dog new tricks'. Well, unless you work in a zoo or for the RSPCA, there's unlikely to be any dogs or tricks. Yet again, a few carefully selected words can cause problems.

During my very early years in executive and management development, some one to one coaching sessions could become rather heated. The key reason was the client had something on his or her mind and this forum was the only or safest place to be really open and genuine - which is always a nice experience. One such instance which I do have permission to share with you is when a very demanding boss who felt he was CONSTANTLY being LET DOWN by his 4 direct reports had reached THE END OF THE LINE (what line?) and was intent on taking these individuals OFF LINE (nice way of saying a real rollocking) and a PIECE OF MY MIND. He had been KICKED IN THE TEETH and STABBED IN THE BACK so many times that enough was enough.

This client was usually very assertive in his approach but not aggressive. Thankfully, our brief relationship had developed in to a high level trust relationship and we had permission to question, challenge and disagree with each other, but only on the condition that such behaviour would help him develop and grow. So here's what happened. After listening to a full 7 minutes of profanities mixed in with a table leg being kicked, profuse perspiring and my ears losing their feeling, I politely asked 'May I see your teeth?'. 'What?' he replied, somewhat shocked by my unusual request. 'May I see your teeth, just for a moment. I'd really like to see your gnashers', posturing with a big smile and clattering my teeth for full effect. His anger turned to shock, his shock turned to confusion, all in a matter of seconds. I continued, 'OK, you won't show me your teeth, I understand....so please take off your shirt.' This was a risky step. What reaction would I receive? Well, if you've been watching the tv series 'Ashes to Ashes' and picture the chief cop, Gene Hunt, the response wouldn't have looked out of place coming from his mouth. 'PROFANITY, no way pal', was followed a second or two later with a smile and a laugh when he pointed to me and said 'I know what you're up to Scott. You want to see all of the knife scars on my back don't you?'. 'Absolutely, and I'm sure there are many, aren't there?' I replied.

From this moment on, the coaching session returned to a calm, thinking environment where the things that mattered most to him and his company were thought through, talked through and solutions to each of the problems generated. And all in less than 2 hours. During the following 3 months, 3 of his managers began to perform better than they had ever done, while 1 other left the organisation by mutual agreement.

Just think what the possible outcome could have been if this really decent, hard-working and caring man had handled the situation in the manner he initially had intended. Managers could have been the walking wounded (oh, there I go, I'm doing it now), and their brains would have counted this latest verbal assault as the norm.

So remember, be very careful about the language you use and also, check understanding of what other people actually mean when they use old cliches to express how they are feeling at any given moment. It could save you many headaches and a few heartaches too.